Criminal Minds: Behind the Beard
So, before Season 7 started, two strange characters appeared in the Twitter universe. These guys, @HotchRazor and @HotchBeard, are completely focused on Thomas Gibson’s (or is it Aaron Hotchner’s) shaving habits. After much thought, well, OK, more like a few beers too many, I decided I needed to interview them.
Fortunately, they were both willing. So here, then, is the Explodingegg EXCLUSIVE interview with Beard and Razor:
EGG: So, you two have been roaming around Twitter now for almost a month. Where did you come from and why?
HotchBeard: I come from Thomas Gibson’s face. Razor keeps shaving me off, but my hairs and follicles are all made from the same genetic code, so it was just a matter of gathering all my parts together, becoming sentient, buying a computer and setting up an account. Simple!
HotchRazor: I was head hunted in London during a recent visit, being brought in to replace the previous incumbent of the job who simply did not come up to scratch, scratch being the issue in question. The Boss Man (Editor’s note: This is apparently Razor’s name for Gibson) needing someone he could rely on to get the job done smoothly and effectively and who could second guess his needs with minimum fuss. As always with a job like this, one needs to stay in constant touch with modern technology, Twitter IS the modern age.
EGG: But who are you guys, I mean really? Who ARE you?
HotchBeard: Is this, like, an existential question? Um. I guess my answer is 42.
HotchRazor: I myself am reminded of two popular American comedians and a sketch entitled “who’s on first”
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man’s entitled to it.
EGG: Sigh. I’m not going to get a straight answer, am I?
HotchBeard: Shall I sing for you, instead?
I grew a beard today oh boy
Four thousand beards on Gibson, Thomasshire
And though the beards were rather small
He had to grow them all
Now he knows how many beards it takes to hide another gun.
I’d love to grow you on….
HotchRazor: Beardy and I may not agree on the words but we do sing from the same page.
I shaved a beard today oh boy
Four thousand whiskers on Gibson, Thomasshire
And though the whiskers were rather small
He had to shave them all
Now he knows it only takes one Razor to dispense them all.
I’d love to shave for you…
EGG: Why do you two fight all the time? Don’t you realize you’re part of the same process?
HotchBeard: Razor’s always trying to cut me down, man. I just want to grow up to be big and long and full and fuzzy. Gotto let the freak beard fly, baby.
HotchRazor: I agree we are part of the same process, I was employed to do a job which can be a little cut-throat from time to time. I have to stay sharp and focused, beard has to realise that he is not always welcome or needed and has to be kept in his place, a beard cannot be given free reign to roam around all over.
EGG: Some people want to ship you two together, what do you say to that?
HotchBeard: We don’t have much in common, other than our love for Face (Editor’s note: This is apparently Beard’s name for Gibson). Besides, Razor snores at night.
HotchRazor: Our love of the Boss Man is the only thing we have in common so we wouldn’t last five minutes together. And Beardy makes me itch!
EGG: I saw something earlier on that you two also share a love of music. Have you ever thought of trying your act elsewhere?
HotchBeard: Well, I had gathered enough of myself together to try out for ZZ Top a while back, but when they found out I didn’t have hands and couldn’t do that “Sharp Dressed Man” pointing thing, they told me to take a hike. Besides, Face is really the best home I could ever dream of.
HotchRazor: We all have bad days at work and go through a why do I bother phase, I was recommended by an old friend to try out for the new production of Sweeney Todd but apparently my top C wasn’t sharp enough and my B was too flat. The grass often looks greener elsewhere but have two say they don’t come much better than the Boss Man.
EGG: Is there any chance? Like maybe late in Season 7? That you two could switch off some territory? It could be like The Year Without a Santa Claus, where beard gives up one of his shave-free weekends to razor in exchange for a few weekdays of growth and some screen time.
HotchBeard: Well, I suppose that would be OK. I mean, it would be a shame to deprive the world of my sheer rugged good looks. You’d have to ask Face though, and Razor, of course.
HotchRazor: Well technically I have never been seen on screen only my Razor Sharp handiwork, Beardy has had his 15 minutes of fame which I have to admit seemed to go down very well. Maybe we could be on screen together for a few moments, I wonder how Boss Man would feel about that? In answer to the original question I would be happy to have a week off as opposed to just a couple of days, but like every job you take a vacation and there is twice as much to do when you come back to work!
EGG: What do you say to people who dislike either the shaved or unshaved look?
HotchBeard: Listen, I’m a free range, 100 percent organic, natural product of Face’s own handsomeness. Isn’t that how we save the world? By supporting locally grown things like me? Besides, I’m just plain hot. And I protect Face from winter weather.
HotchRazor: You see now this is why we fall out……Beardy is just me me me, you give him and inch of growth and he takes a mile, he has only been in the public eye for a short time and he has delusions of grandeur. Things were all running VERY SMOOTHLY before he sprouted on the scene. Personally I feel that in a perfect world we can both exist with equal adoration for him and my smooth work! Like many things there is a need for both.
EGG: How long can this possibly last? Aren’t you guys bored with this?
HotchBeard: Bored? I’ve been growing out of Face ever since it was a teenager trying to impress the chicks by the swimming pool. How could I ever get bored of Face? Of Life? Of Twitter? Nope. Not happening. I’m growing all over it. Literally. All over everything. Heck I’ll even grow all over your face if you’ll let me.
HotchRazor: Bored of course not, life has never been busier or more interesting. I love to have a challenge and a worthy opponent to spar with, Beardy can be tough and difficult to get through to at times but I have to admit he is a very worthy adversary. The Boss Man knows that we both have his VERY best interests at heart and both of our working objectives are to keep him on top of his game at all times – and looking whichever way he considers best for whatever the job at hand decrees.